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sunshowered) wrote2017-01-03 11:18 pm
sunshowered) wrote2017-01-03 11:18 pm
112 ; you only live once
Hey 2017. It's me, Dana.
I skipped out on doing a reflective entry before my notes this year! Probably because - I am both immensely proud of and very disappointed in my 2016.
I lost a lot this year.
Or it feels like I did - I gained and lost at a very, very rapid pace. My online friendships were intense when I had them, texting at all hours of the day and I lost sleep because I was so excited to spend time with someone, and then they sputtered out and disappeared before I even had a chance to reach out to them. When I look back at it, I've come to an overall conclusion that - it's okay. And I don't have to feel ashamed or bitter about those memories. "Memories last forever, love doesn't." And that's okay. I don't still need to be in touch with those people to be able treasure the smiles and the laughter that I had with them. I can look back on those times without feeling betrayed or played with. No matter how bad or abrupt or sudden the ending, we had an amazing beginning and a beautiful middle.
There are times when I catch myself nervous as a result of these things now, though. Am I being too opinionated? Am I suffocating someone with my attention? I love intensely and I love broadly. I know that about myself. I treasure the people close to me. Sometimes I don't know when it's too much because I forgot that "too much" is even a possibility. To be loved too much. It makes me nervous about my friendships, counting the days until I'm not really thought of anymore - and I hate it. It's not fair to me or my friends if I expect them to leave.
And in some ways, I don't deserve to talk.
I was gone for weeks at a time, texting very few people or messaging them on a regular basis. Freezing my plurk karma removed the idea of incentive for me when it came to plurking and I ditched it for weeks at a time. I forgot how to use it. When I came back, I was self-conscious and wondered if what I was plurking even mattered at all. Would I just irritate or offend someone else because I had an opinion on something? Or was I just another thing to ignore?
But I acknowledge the things that are my fault. I am a very focused person, I am terrible at multi-tasking. When I'm all in RP, I'm all in RP. When I'm all in fic writing, I forget about plurk and tags. When I'm all in my RL, my computer and phone become obsolete because I've convinced myself that not giving your full attention to something will produce mediocre work. Anything less than perfect is unacceptable and - that's me, isn't it?
I don't want to use that excuse anymore.
"That's just who I am" and "I don't need to change my ways" are a bunch of bullshit. I'm 21. I'm at the age where I can make mistakes and they won't haunt me forever, I can try to improve my skillset and in this case that's multi-tasking. I've made my mistakes and I don't plan on making them again. My current mindset has cost me people because I was selfish and busy. I made promises that I didn't keep and I turned into a flake.
These are a lot of serious feelings to be having about RP.
But - I've always felt distaste for people who didn't keep promises and without realizing, I became one of them on the internet. I refuse to be a hypocrite and now I plan on being much more careful about how much I agree to and what I agree to. I want to be more careful. I want to honor people's time. I don't want to think that people will wait for me when they have no obligation to.
Offline... I'm wildly happy. Of course I am, that's where I put all my attention on. I have people that I care about, people that I know care about me unconditionally. That love me when I'm a mess and will be there to pick me up when I'm down. Over the summer, I got closer with people who meant a lot to me and I can say the same about my staff and my students.
Let 2017 be a year of growth.
Let me remember how to love recklessly again - to not be afraid of what might happen if I lose someone - and don't let the idea of being afraid of friendships ending stop me from pursuing new ones.
Let me learn how to multi-task so I never give anyone a second to question how much they mean to me.
Let me become an even better person from here.
Be proud of where you've come from, but never stop improving. That's my motto. That's always what I've said to myself. I know that I've come a long way, but there are still faults within myself that I can fix. The second that I think "this is it, I'm done growing" is the second that I die.
What's the point of continuing through this life if I think I've learned all there is to learn? Seen all there is to see?
Complacency is truly a trap.
I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish in 2017. I am sure that I will just become an even more driven person. However I don't want to let that interfere with my growth as a person, with my ability to treat people how they deserve to be treated.
No matter what happens to me, I don't want to become jaded or slow. I'll live fast and fiercely, because it's the only way I know how.
And I'm excited for 2017. I'm optimistic. It's been a long time since I haven't been proud of myself and that's a damn good kick in the ass.
Thank god.
There's still more to learn.
I skipped out on doing a reflective entry before my notes this year! Probably because - I am both immensely proud of and very disappointed in my 2016.
I lost a lot this year.
Or it feels like I did - I gained and lost at a very, very rapid pace. My online friendships were intense when I had them, texting at all hours of the day and I lost sleep because I was so excited to spend time with someone, and then they sputtered out and disappeared before I even had a chance to reach out to them. When I look back at it, I've come to an overall conclusion that - it's okay. And I don't have to feel ashamed or bitter about those memories. "Memories last forever, love doesn't." And that's okay. I don't still need to be in touch with those people to be able treasure the smiles and the laughter that I had with them. I can look back on those times without feeling betrayed or played with. No matter how bad or abrupt or sudden the ending, we had an amazing beginning and a beautiful middle.
There are times when I catch myself nervous as a result of these things now, though. Am I being too opinionated? Am I suffocating someone with my attention? I love intensely and I love broadly. I know that about myself. I treasure the people close to me. Sometimes I don't know when it's too much because I forgot that "too much" is even a possibility. To be loved too much. It makes me nervous about my friendships, counting the days until I'm not really thought of anymore - and I hate it. It's not fair to me or my friends if I expect them to leave.
And in some ways, I don't deserve to talk.
I was gone for weeks at a time, texting very few people or messaging them on a regular basis. Freezing my plurk karma removed the idea of incentive for me when it came to plurking and I ditched it for weeks at a time. I forgot how to use it. When I came back, I was self-conscious and wondered if what I was plurking even mattered at all. Would I just irritate or offend someone else because I had an opinion on something? Or was I just another thing to ignore?
But I acknowledge the things that are my fault. I am a very focused person, I am terrible at multi-tasking. When I'm all in RP, I'm all in RP. When I'm all in fic writing, I forget about plurk and tags. When I'm all in my RL, my computer and phone become obsolete because I've convinced myself that not giving your full attention to something will produce mediocre work. Anything less than perfect is unacceptable and - that's me, isn't it?
I don't want to use that excuse anymore.
"That's just who I am" and "I don't need to change my ways" are a bunch of bullshit. I'm 21. I'm at the age where I can make mistakes and they won't haunt me forever, I can try to improve my skillset and in this case that's multi-tasking. I've made my mistakes and I don't plan on making them again. My current mindset has cost me people because I was selfish and busy. I made promises that I didn't keep and I turned into a flake.
These are a lot of serious feelings to be having about RP.
But - I've always felt distaste for people who didn't keep promises and without realizing, I became one of them on the internet. I refuse to be a hypocrite and now I plan on being much more careful about how much I agree to and what I agree to. I want to be more careful. I want to honor people's time. I don't want to think that people will wait for me when they have no obligation to.
Offline... I'm wildly happy. Of course I am, that's where I put all my attention on. I have people that I care about, people that I know care about me unconditionally. That love me when I'm a mess and will be there to pick me up when I'm down. Over the summer, I got closer with people who meant a lot to me and I can say the same about my staff and my students.
Let 2017 be a year of growth.
Let me remember how to love recklessly again - to not be afraid of what might happen if I lose someone - and don't let the idea of being afraid of friendships ending stop me from pursuing new ones.
Let me learn how to multi-task so I never give anyone a second to question how much they mean to me.
Let me become an even better person from here.
Be proud of where you've come from, but never stop improving. That's my motto. That's always what I've said to myself. I know that I've come a long way, but there are still faults within myself that I can fix. The second that I think "this is it, I'm done growing" is the second that I die.
What's the point of continuing through this life if I think I've learned all there is to learn? Seen all there is to see?
Complacency is truly a trap.
I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish in 2017. I am sure that I will just become an even more driven person. However I don't want to let that interfere with my growth as a person, with my ability to treat people how they deserve to be treated.
No matter what happens to me, I don't want to become jaded or slow. I'll live fast and fiercely, because it's the only way I know how.
And I'm excited for 2017. I'm optimistic. It's been a long time since I haven't been proud of myself and that's a damn good kick in the ass.
Thank god.
There's still more to learn.